He looked up and said weakly,"I have something to confess".
"There's no need to," his wife replied.
"No, I must tell you, I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!"
"I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."
Submitted by Frank Hudson, Leeds
The Ferrari Formula 1 Team fired their entire pit crew yesterday.
The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the
British governments 'Work for Benefits ' scheme and employ unemployable
Scousers. The decision to hire them was brought on by a recent documentary
on how unemployed Liverpool youths were able to remove a
set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas
Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with
millions-of-pounds-worth of high tech gear.
This was thought to be an excellent, yet bold move, by Ferrari management.
As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari would have an advantage
over every team.
However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for at the crew's first
practice session. Not only were the Scousers Pit Crew able to change the
tyres in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed,
re-badged and sold the vehicle to the MacLaren Team for four bottles of
Stella, a gram of coke and a quick nosey at Coulthard's latest model girlfriend in the shower.
Submitted by Lee Cope
Police later denied Robbie Fowler was involved after reports that the culprits fled the scene running at high speed! [Ed.]
Two guys are out in a boat fishing. One guy pulls out a big old cigar, but can't find a light, so he asks his buddy if he has one. The second guy says yeah, and produces a 12-inch long Bic lighter.
The first guy is really shocked, and asks: "Where on Earth did you get that?"
The guy with the lighter says: "I've got a genie living in my tackle box, and he gave it to me."
Second guy doesn't believe it, so he looks in the tackle box, and sure enough there's the genie. Of course he can't resist, and asks if he can have a wish. The owner of the genie says: "Sure, go ahead." So the other gent asks for a million bucks. All of a sudden the sky turns black, there is a deafening noise and ducks start filling up the pond.
The man who owns the genie says: "Sorry about that, I forgot to tell you, he's a little hard of hearing ... you don't think I'd actually ask for a 12-inch Bic, do you?
There was this guy and he had a girlfriend named Lorraine who was very pretty and he liked her a lot.
One day he went to work and found that a new girl had started working there. Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous. He became quite besotted with Clearly and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too. But this guy was a loyal man and he wouldn't do anything with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine. He decided that there was nothing left to do but to break up with Lorraine and get on with Clearly.
He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it. Then one day they went for a walk along the riverbank when Lorraine slipped and fell into the river. The current carried her off and she drowned. the guy stopped by the river for a moment and then ran off smiling and singing...
(Get ready, it's good...) .... "I can see Clearly now. Lorraine has gone."
