A man rushes home, bursting through the front door of his house yelling to his wife: "Pack your bags honey, I just won the lottery! All £10 million of it... Woooohoooo!"
"That's great, sweetie!", she replies, "Do I pack for skiing or the beach?"
"Who cares," he replies, "Just f**k off!"
LETTER FOUND IN A "PERSONAL PROBLEMS" ADVICE COLUMN OF AN AUSTRALIAN MAGAZINE. From Jeremy of Sydney, Australia.
I am a sailor in the Australian Navy. My parents live in the suburb of Redfern and one of my sisters, who lives in Canberra, is married to a guy from Liverpool, England.
My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Kings cross. I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Long Bay Jail, Sydney, for the rape and murder of a teenage girl in 1994, the other is currently being held in the Parramatta remand centre on charges of incest.
I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in Chatswood and indeed is still a part time "working girl" in a brothel, however, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancee utilising her knowledge of the industry working as the manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would at least get them off the streets and hopefully the heroin.
My problem is this: I love my finacee and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her........ Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being a Scouser?
A man was on holiday in the Caribbean and settled down for a day's sunbathing. He fell asleep, and after a whole day his legs became sunburned beyond belief. He could hardly stand the pain.
He decided to go to the doctor for treatment. The doctor looked at his
lobster-coloured legs and shook his head.
"You must realise that this is only a small village medical facility," he explained. "I've really got nothing at all to help you. However, try taking this just before bedtime..." The doctor gave him one tablet of Viagra.
Puzzled, the man asked, "I've got acute sunburn: what's a Viagra tablet
going to do?"
"Not a thing for the sunburn," the doctor replied, "but it will keep the
sheets off your legs".
The nurse asks him, "Charlie! What are you doing?" Charlie replied,
"Can't talk right now....I'm driving to Chicago!" The nurse wishes him
a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he suddenly stops
driving his imaginary car and she asks, "Well Charlie, how you doing?"
Charlie says, "I'm exhausted, I just got into Chicago and I need some
rest."
"That's great," replied the nurse, "I'm glad you had a safe trip."
The nurse leaves Charlie's room, and then goes across the hall into
another patients' room, and finds Ed sitting on his bed masturbating
vigorously.
Very surprised she shouts, "Ed what are you doing!?"
To which Ed replies, "Shhh, I'm screwing Charlie's wife, while he's in
Chicago!"
A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to
buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him
that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the
boy ask his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room,
the boy said to his manager, "Some tosser wants to buy a half a head of
lettuce."
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right
behind him, so he added,"and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the
other half."
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the
manager found the boy and said "I was impressed with the way you got
yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on
their feet here.
Where are you from, son?" "Essex, sir," the boy replied.
"Well,why did you leave Essex," the manager asked. The boy
said, "Sir,there's nothing but whores and football players there."
"Really?" said the manager, "My wife's from Essex."
The boy replied,"No sh*t ? Who does she play for?"
