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Jokes - page 3

Jokes: - [1] : [2] : [3] : [4] : [5] : [6] : [7] : [8] : [9] : [10] : Gary Neville Diary

There was this guy and he had a girlfriend named Lorraine who was very pretty and he liked her a lot. One day he went to work and found that a new girl had started working there. Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous. He became quite besotted with Clearly and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too. But this guy was a loyal man and he wouldn't do anything with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine. He decided that there was nothing left to do but to break up with Lorraine and get on with Clearly. He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it. Then one day they went for a walk along the riverbank when Lorraine slipped and fell into the river. The current carried her off and she drowned. the guy stopped by the river for a moment and then ran off smiling and singing... (Get ready, it's good...) .... "I can see Clearly now. Lorraine has gone."

Alex Ferguson calls Beckham into his office. 'David', he says, 'I need to talk to you about your performance against Leeds the other night, you were bloody hopeless, completely off form.' 'Sorry boss', says David. 'I've not been myself lately. I've got a few problems at home.' 'Oh dear' says Fergie, 'What's up? Posh & the kids Ok?' 'Oh, they're fine, it's just that something is really bugging me and i'm losing sleep and everything. I can't concentrate on my football and it's really messing me head up.' 'Whatever's the matter?' says fergie 'Well boss, It's pretty serious. Victoria bought this jigsaw puzzle the other day and.........' 'A JIGSAW??' shouts Sir Alex. 'You're playing Sh*t because of a jigsaw?' 'Yeah boss, but you don't understand, it's really doing me head in!' says David, 'It's really hard, it's this picture of a Tiger and it looks really easy on the box and I'm sure i've got all the bits and everything but I just can't get it right and it's doing my head in and, and.........' 'David, David, David' says Fergie, 'You better get a grip son and quick.' 'Ok boss, but.............It's this picture of a Tiger and it looks really easy on the box and i'm sure i've got all the bits and everything but I can't do it and it's doing my head in and....... and....it's a Tiger and it looks easy but it's really hardand er, it's a Tiger and everything,er.. on the box... er..... sorry boss.' ' Ok, Ok' says Sir Alex, 'bring in the blo*dy jigsaw and let's have a look shall we. It can't be that difficult'. 'Thanks boss.' says David. So Becks brings in the jigsaw and takes it to Fergies office. 'Here it is boss' he says, showing Ferguson the picture on the box,look boss, it's a Tiger right, and it's a really good picture and everything but I just can't do it and it's really hard and it's doing my head in and everything..' Becks empties all the pieces from the box all over Fergie's desk. Sir Alex looks at whats on the desk, looks up with his head in his hands and says to Beckham............ (Trust me, it's worth it) 'Put the f***ing Frosties back in the box David'.............

Peter Ridsdale and Leeds PR manager Max Clifford have decided to make a film of Leeds' incredible season. The press have commented in recent weeks "You couldn't script the soap opera that is Leeds United." So to get one over on the press and to make some much needed money, Peter Ridsdale and Max Clifford have decided to make a movie. There are a host of Hollywood stars who are big admirers of Leeds United, some of whom have already expressed their desire to feature in the film, and even help fund the project. Stars that have so far volunteered to help Leeds climb back to glory include Mel Gibson Bruce Willis, Arnold Swarzchenegger, and Sylvester Stallone. In a press conference, the excited stars were asked: "Who are you likelyto play in the movie? " Mel Gibson said "I'd like to play Harry Kewell, being an Ausie and all." Bruce Willis said "I'd have to be the all action, no fear Danny Mills . I've even got the bald head" Sly Stallone wittily slurred "I'd like to play Robbie Fowler, cos he is much like I am in my gun-wielding action movies, a great finisher." The press were becoming intrigued and asked: "How about you Arnie? Where do you see yourself fitting into all this?" Arnie leaned forward . . . . . took off his shades . . . . . . . . and said . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . wait for it . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "I'll be Bakke."

A plane was about to crash. There were 5 people on board and only 4 parachutes. The first person said. "I am Roy Keane, one of the best footballers in Ireland. I am worth a lot of money and my fans need me so I think I should be saved." The others agreed and gave him one of the parachutes and off he went. The second person said "I am Gerry Adams, a radical Irish politician who can really help my country and I think I should be saved." The others said." o.k." and gave him a parachute. The third person said "I am David Beckham, captain of the English National squad. I have a wife and two sons. Everyone knows I am a really nice guy and everyone thinks I am stupid, but I'm not, so I am taking a parachute." and off he went. There were two folk left, the Pope and a 10 year old schoolgirl. The Pope said, "child I am old and frail and have lived my life while you are young with everything before you. You take the parachute and I will stay with the aircraft and take my chance." "It's o.k." said the girl, "there are still two parachutes. David Beckham picked up my schoolbag."

An Englishman, a Scotsman and John O'Shea go to "Angels" strip club. They sit in the front row next to the stage while blondie does her stuff. For the finale she waggles her naked bum in the Englishman's face; he reaches for his wallet, takes out a tenner, licks it and slaps it on her left buttock. The stripper moves along and repeats the manoeuvre in front of the Scot; he too takes a tenner from his wallet, licks it and slaps it on her right cheek. She now confronts John O'Shea with her pert ass and squashes it in his face. Hysterically he removes his wallet, takes out his Switch card, swipes it between her cheeks and takes twenty pounds cashback

Jokes: - [1] : [2] : [3] : [4] : [5] : [6] : [7] : [8] : [9] : [10] : Gary Neville Diary