Q: What do you do if David Beckham throws a pin at you?
A: Run for your life ... he's got a grenade in his mouth.
Arsenal, Liverpool and Hartlepool football teams were all flying on the same plane over the jungle when it crashed. For the first week everyone stays with the wreckage but eventually the food runs out and fearing starvation the three teams set off into the jungle to find something to eat.
They walk for miles seeing nothing edible until they come across the body of a dead elephant. Hartlepool say 'Because we're Hartlepool we'll have the heart'. Liverpool say 'Because we're Liverpool we'll have the liver'. And Arsenal say.. 'we're not hungry lads!'
Q: What would David Beckham's name be if he were a Spice Girl?
A: Waste of Spice
David Beckham goes shopping, and sees something interesting in the kitchen department of a large department store.
"What's that?" he asks.
"A Thermos flask," replies the assistant.
"What does it do?" asks Becks.
The assistant tells him it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold. Really impressed, Beckham buys one and takes it along to his next training session.
"Here, boys, look at this," Beckham says proudly. "It's a Thermos flask."
The lads are impressed.
"What does it do?" they ask.
"It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," says David.
"And what have you got in it?" asks Roy Keane.
"Two cups of coffee and a choc ice," replies David.
The Man United players are in the dressing room on Saturday, just before the game, when Roy Keane walks in.
"Boss," he says, "there's a problem. I'm not playing unless I get a cortisone injection."
"Hey," says Rio. "If he's having a new car, so am I."
A mountaineer fell down a very deep crevasse, breaking both his arms. Another member of the party managed to lower a rope until it was just within reach of the man's head.
"Quick", he shouted, "Get hold of the rope with your teeth and I'll pull you up."
Inch by inch, the fellow was pulled back up the crevasse. When he had only two feet to go, his rescuer
called out, "Are you alright?"
" Yes, aaaarrrrgggghhhhhhhh!", came the reply!
Submitted by Frank Hudson, Leeds
David Beckham runs in early from training one afternoon and dashes to the bedroom to find Posh spread out on the bed naked, puffingand panting.
Becks asks her suspiciously "What are you doing?"
Posh stutters a reply "I'm - er, er.... I'm having a heart attack"
"Oh no" he cries in despair. "I'll call an ambulance". He runs
downstairs, picks up the phone and begins dialling 999.
However, he is stopped in his tracks by a tearful Brooklyn. "What's the matter, son?" asks Becks.
"Uncle Giggsy is in the wardrobe with no clothes on, daddy" sniffles Brooklyn.
Infuriated by this, Beckham runs upstairs and kicks down the wardrobe door.
Sure enough, the carpet-chested Welshman is stood there, starkers.
"You w**ker Giggsy" screams Becks. "My wife is right over there
having a bloody heart attack, and you're running around naked
scaring the sh*t out of Brooklyn."
