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My friend Dave Evans sent me this: it claims to be a copy of an actual letter sent to the, then, Australian Department of Foreign Affairs and Trade Minister, The Hon Alexander Downer, MP and the, then, Australian Immigration Minister, The Hon Amanda Vanstone, MP. I really do hope it was sent… be sure to use an Aussie accent in your mind as you read it… (and yes, I know it has nowt to do with Leeds United)

Dear Mr. Minister,
I’m in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe
this. How is it that K-Mart has my address and telephone number, and
knows that I bought a TV set and golf clubs from them back in 1997, and
yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on
what date? For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand?
My birth date you have in my Medicare information, and it is on all
the income tax forms I’ve filed for the past 40 years. It is on my
driver’s license, on the last eight passports I’ve ever had, and on all
those stupid customs declaration forms I’ve had to fill out before
being allowed off the damn planes over the last 30 years, plus all
those insufferable census forms that I’ve filled out every 5 years
since 1966.
Also….would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my
mother’s name is Audrey, my Father’s name is Jack, and I’d be
absolutely f****** astounded if that ever changed between now and when
I drop dead!!!!
I apologize, Mr.Minister, but I’m really pissed off this morning.
Between you and me, I’ve had enough of all this bullshit! You send the
application to my house, then you ask me for my f******address!! What
the hell is going on with you mob? Have you got a gang of mindless
Neanderthal arseholes workin there?!
And another thing…..look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin
Laden? I can’t even grow a beard for god’s sake! I just want to go to
New Zealand and see my new granddaughter. (yes, my son interbred with
a Kiwi girl). And would someone please tell me, why would you give a
shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever
got the urge to do something weird to a sheep or a horse, believe you
me, I’d sure as hell not want to tell anyone!
Well, I have to go now ’cause I have to go to the other end of the
city, and get another f****** copy of my birth certificate, and to part
with another $80 for the privilege of accessing MY OWN INFORMATION!
Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same
spot, to assist in the issuance of a new passport on the same day??
Nooooo…..that’d be too f****** easy and makes far too much sense.
You would much prefer to have us running all over the place like
chickens with our f****** heads cut off, and then having to find some
high society w***** to confirm that it’s really me in the goddamn
photo! You know the photo…..the one where we’re not allowed to
smile??…..you f****** morons.
Signed: an irate Australian citizen
PS: remember what I said about the photo, and getting someone in
high society to confirm that it’s me? Well, my family has been in this
country since before 1850! In 1856 one of my forefathers took up arms
with Peter Lalor. (You do remember the Eureka stockade?)
I have also served in both the CMF and regular Army something over 30
years – I went to Vietnam in 1967 – and still have high security
clearances. I’m also a personal friend of the president of the RSL…
and Lt.General Peter Cosgrove sends me a Xmas card each year.
However, your rules require that I have to get someone ‘important’
to verify who I am: you know….someone like my doctor……WHO WAS
BORN AND RAISED IN PAKISTAN !!!….a country where they either
assassinate or hang their ex-prime ministers, and are suspended from
the Commonwealth for not having the ‘right sort of government’.
You are all f****** idiots.

Well, I feel better now too. Just remind me not to be critical of Patrick Kisnorbo on this site, wouldn’t want to upset an Aussie…